Listening Ears

BP: Listening Ears

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Tonight was an infuriating night. I was thrown in a pandemonium of angry emotions over a seemingly small incident which I regarded as an otherwise grave one when looked from another angle. I went for a run to vent my frustrations as a result. Initially, I rejected X's kind gesture in asking me if I wanted him to accompany me as always. Eventually, I invited him along and we ran at our own pace, ending with a quick impromptu sprint at the end. That sprint really relieved my accumulated emotional stress a lot, unexpectedly.

Thereafter, I initiated to walk the place we ran another round to cool down. It was more than that. I saw it coming since I wouldn't mind a running companion on that vengeful night. I began to share with him how I felt during the incident that happened prior to our run whilst exchanging opinions on what really happened and what could be prevented. I admit that I shouldn't have worn that set of demanding demeanour in giving suggestions on how our new bunks should look like. Yet the things that happened before and after that really flustered me a little, and finally exacerbated by someone's untimely interference that made the volcano erupted in me. Sometimes I feel that I really should stay low and passive instead of being so active and involved as the latter would usually more or less engender more problems for me. The highlight of the night would probably be the confession of my family status since young till now as I seldom talked about this to anyone, even the closer ones. It's like the dark side of the moon in my life where only the moon knows its own secrets. I just found it rather comfortable and timely to reveal my genuine family background and it's no surprise that it came as a surprise to him. At least through this interaction I have managed to relieve the burden in me as it's not easy to hide a nettlesome secret for long. It has been a sentimental night but a great one in an unique manner. I guess a right atmosphere with a right setting  does help to open up oneself to another trustworthy person. Even if the information do leak out, it doesn't matter for it shall come to light eventually whatever its outcome is. Nonetheless, I trust my instinct and judgement. 

Reflecting upon tonight's sharing, a question overwhelms my mind - have I been strong after so much turmoils or should I be stronger to embrace the ultimate climax for life isn't getting easier? Having made to this stage in life in such unconventional manner as contrary to some who came from similar background as me would do so, I believe I have come a long way but it's still less than halfway through my destination. I pray that I'll be used for greater things even as I long to seek after His great will and plan for my inscrutable life. I shall turn in soon to prepare for a long day of rehearsals tomorrow. 

2352

A Level of Doubt

BP: A Level of Doubt

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A Level of Doubt

Typing this post on my bed now on a lazy afternoon after weeks of procrastination. I think I should admit that I'm actually quite lazy to write an entry over the past few weeks although I have a desire to do so. It's time to maximise my time more productively yet it's always easier said than done lol. Anyway, I shall dedicate this entry to my most recent academic achievement since its first year anniversary almost exactly a year ago.

Today, my juniors collected their results after completing their national exams few months ago. They just received their results two hours ago. I was actually kinda anxious for them although I was not the candidate involved today. It's almost the same sentiments and anticipation towards my fellow schoolmates in the same year that time. There was a myriad of emotions sweeping around in that tense atmosphere whilst the judgement was cast in forms of those paper thin yet future thick slips of results. On one hand, it's relieving and joyous to witness friends or even strangers excelling well and having their expectations met or even exceeded after undergoing through years of arduous hardwork. On the other hand, it's also poignant to empathise with those who have not done as well as how they wished to do, not making to the passing mark of securing an University place and letting their years of determination down the drain in such a truthfully wrecking instance.

Yet whatever the outcome is, the only right way to advance is forward. There's no point in relishing in splendid results for those who do well as it's only ephemeral, and dwelling in devastating results for those who don't do well as it's not the end. That applies to me as well. I am fortunate to have done pretty well in that crucial examination. But not all good things are always accompanied by solely good prospects as they are continually bombarded and eventually neutralised to null by bad intangible things. The past one year ever since the judgement day has its fair share of complements and criticisms with the latter being rather more overwhelming if you have not known. 

Skepticisms spawned every now and then, doubting my true ability to clinch that results. Experiences relating to people relations also tried to convince me that I may not be worthy of what I achieved, merely because I cannot express myself well enough. Honestly if you ask me how do I really obtain that distinction for GP, I will say that I'm not expecting it but I know my efforts have paid off well and God has blessed me more than what I foresaw. I always struggle with the opinions people have of me regarding my command of the English language. Admittedly, I do not speak eloquently, I stutter many a times, and I do not write well. I feel that I have many rooms for improvement and I always strive to upgrade myself in this aspect. Yet it's one thing to doubt my ability to ace that challenging subject and another thing to put me down to push yourself up in the process of commenting, be it causal or serious. Unfortunately but frankly, army has shown me that results really ain't indicative of your performance in life. So don't be disheartened if you do not do as well as you wanted. Sometimes I believe that my set of results is just a God-bestowed ticket to study in Uni without further burdening my already crippling family financial status. Of course, it's also a great testimony of His greatness and goodness.

Currently I'm actually quite anxious about my undergraduate life. I mentioned why posts ago. I hope I am not sending myself down to 4.5 years of inescapable hell if I am determined to go for it. Am I really that capable? Lol. Not much time is left before a final decision is made. 

1635

Resist

090215; Resist

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On the way to camp now at such a relatively late time. Shall take this time to share about last Friday and the weekends.

Friday was great I suppose. Due to the downpour in the morning, our physical training or really just games was cancelled. I slept quite early the previous night so I didn't sleep well in the morning. I felt much better then after being inflicted with sore throat and discomfort for the previous few days. After lunch, instead of lazing on my bed again, I chilled with another platoon of specs. Afterwards, I took out my clarinet and played it for an hour before the book out time was released. Love the time. A few of my platoon mates and I then made an impromptu plan to visit Somerset for some CNY shopping. It's more of a window shopping and I didn't buy anything in the end. I wonder why are there so little promotions going on when the festive season is approaching. We then had dinner at EWF before the rest left, leaving WQ & me behind. The two of us then decided to roam Cineleisure in search of some nice clothes but to no avail. Actually I wanted to head home one but I think it would be more productive for me to stay as I bet I'll be doing nothing at home. In the end, we decided to head to Bugis and waited almost 20 minutes for a bus. Never expected myself to have Llao Llao after that. The experience of purchasing it was a rather dramatic and embarrassing one hahah. Went for NET thereafter.

Saturday was somewhat mundane in its own ways. Met up Xuanle for lunch at TPY. It's pretty easy to know what we had for lunch. Yups. It's my favourite #TPYbanmian which is introduced by him to me three years ago. Many impromptu plans were made since we met up. By right we were supposed to meet at Parkway to cycle. Due to the ominous clouds, I proposed the lunch at TPY and then went to have pool at AMK as suggested by him. Yet I managed to convince him to bowl at TPY instead since travelling there was a chore. On the way there, I suddenly realised I didn't have socks and then suggested to catch Imitation Game at NEX instead. Lol he was fine with it but in the end due to the inconvenience of travelling there, we headed to bowl instead. Both of us were newbies in bowling and it's the first time I managed to thrash him as he was super noob. Almost 60% of his attempts ended up in the left gutter immediately after release. The greatest surprise of the day would be meeting Alika there as he came there to train for his upcoming competition for his unit.. We joined games and I'm glad to have improved tremendously as my third visit to a bowling place. Had fun. His mum then dropped us conveniently at the TPY station before i accompanied XL to City Hall as he had a gathering there in the evening. Perambulated. Arrived home around early evening. Chilled in my living room with my dad and sister. what a night of humdrum.

Frankly speaking, I thought to have the entire Saturday to myself. That's why I didn't make it for the three plans others invited me to. I met up with XL since it's already discussed long ago that we'll meet that day. In fact, when he told me he's gonna be late for at least 45 minutes when I've arrived at the destination, I asked if he wanna meet up some time later since he's still nearby his house. Since he didn't want to head back, we met up. For whatever reasons, I just yearned to have personal time alone that day. It's not that I didn't wish to see people. Perhaps I only needed a quality time for reflection and slower pace of life to sort out my priorities in life. Have I done that so far? Not really since I'm preoccupied with other commitments then. Still, it's a great outing.

Sunday was yet another sinful Sunday as I missed service again due to oversleeping. I honestly need to overcome this complacency and bad habit. My dad bought home Lormee for me as requested for lunch and it didn't taste good. I then spent the early afternoon tidying up my room. Used around 3 hours eliminating dust and dust. Reorientated my furniture too and my room looks much cosy now. Finally, I cleaned my windows which apparently and shamefully haven't been wiped by myself thoroughly since I moved in in Secondary Three LOL. A sense of satisfaction overwhelmed me after the chores. Washed up and then met Yihui at Bugis as she invited me to join her for the newly opened Cat Museum there. Eventually we spent 2 hours there interacting with the cats and staff there and I have indeed gained more knowledge and understanding of the felines. Great self-guided tour there! We then bought KOI and had dinner at the kopitiam nearby my house. I recommended the best #drybanmian I've tried to her not because I am biased as it's based in Kallang but it's really nice. The greatest surprise of the day would be meeting my JC principal there as she dined with her family. At first I hesitated in approaching her but in the end the encounter was a balance of joy as it's a pretty small world to meet her there and also, regret as I didn't think I presented myself well LOL. I was quite touched that she actually remembered me as a graduate from band hahah. I then brought YH around the blocks for another stray cat tour for free. Like what she said, it's a great fellowship session that day! Reached home around 9PM and played Audi until almost midnight. Washed up and for unknown reasons, I did not have even a tinge of sleepiness. Watched some interesting episodes consisting of legendary Pokemon before I managed to close my eyes.

When I woke up today, I felt as though I have not slept at all. That was the weird sleepy yet awoke feeling that I abhor. Bathed and headed to URA for a NE tour organised by my institute with the breakfast I bought from the kopitiam below my block on the way there.I was the first few to arrive and actually waited for an hour before the event started. Way too early. Overall, the tour would be great if not for my bladder. Enthralled to spot my estate on the gigantic map displayed. Met puiHay there too as his unit participated too. The event ended around 11AM. Had lunch at the hawker centre there and the chicken rice wasn't really tasty. Disappointed that they didn't sell prawn noodle there.

Thereafter I was contemplating on whether should I proceed with the plan to catch American Sniper with the peeps. I felt so mentally drained due to my lack of sleep and the reviews for the movie from others weren't really bright. One more reason too. In the end, we headed there and caught the movie. Surprisingly, I really enjoyed the two hours of emotional rollercoaster. I would usually doze off for a monotonous movie of that duration but I didn't even put my eyes off the screen then. Others have differing views. I guess the film just spoke differently to various ones. Anyway, purchasing the large KOI was a sinful choice as I have been drinking koi for the past few days. I really need to mind my health better. It's around 430 when I returned home. Took a nap and was awakened by my dad and I was confused when he asked me what I wanted to eat as I thought it's already Tuesday lol. Had fish fillet meal bought from my favourite childhood western stall. Downloaded some videos to kill my boredom in camp and played Audi for awhile before doing QT. I finally left home at 945PM...which is pretty late. When I arrived at the station, I realised my ezlink card was with dad and he specially delivered it to me. I could have been more careful.

I hope this week will be manageable as far as physical exercise is concern. I feel like I am still not in a good state of health and maybe my mentality is dampened by my recent binge in junk food. I also wonder if my hands have recovered to allow me to do my chin ups well as the last time I tried it's still null. My stamina has alps deteriorated. Motivation. Spiritually wise, I believe I have been stumbled in faith as I have come to think erroneously that it's okay to miss service for that once. May I walk in greater obedience.

Humdrum

050415; humdrum 

Today was a relatively monotonous day with nothing much going on. I am really grateful that IPPT in the morning was cancelled for whatsoever reasons. I had the intention to fall out as my sickness from yesterday persisted. In the end I only fall out and watched the rest doing training in the shed. What appalled me the most was how I couldn't even do one single pull up since the hundred attempts last Monday. Why do I take so long to recover? There's no longer pain nor strain yet I felt helpless pulling myself up..

Spent the entire morning thereafter to rest until noon when I met Shane up for lunch. Had to walk down 15 minutes just for the meal. It's not an ordinary meal since today is the last day of his stay in camp before he flies off next week for his study. Had a great two hour catch up. Accompanied him to the MO in the end and met my platoon mates there before we walked back to coy line again. Did nothing much thereafter. Just felt quite uncomfortable with this sore throat that inevitably leads to other effects like headache and dizziness as usual. 

Now sharing about how I feel, I would say I am a little perplexed about the situation around me now. It just feels dilemmatic to be stuck and caught in between. Of course I hope for the best yet not everyone can forge a common understanding and empathy that easily. Such issues take time and brute force isn't the way to go about ameliorating it. How I wish I can have more wisdom and courage to be involved actively to help out. The battle is real. May things improve.

Moving on to my family...I guess things ain't going too well recently. Not sure what's in the minds of my parents individually. Can't comprehend why they always conflict in what they think and do. Yet most of the time I stand by my Dad's side as my Mom really overdoes things in a way that is overboard many a times. Divorce is often mentioned in a pique of anger and I hope it's due to impulse.. Admittedly my family is quite broken since primary 1 after that tragic incident which I shall not mention. Fights and quarrels were common most nights. Police were called in several times. Physical and emotional hurt are hurled very often to everyone involved. That's the kind of environment that I grew up in. While things are getting better as we moved our house when I'm Sec 4, some things just remain unsettled which are inevitably the sole cause of many conflicts and tension every time. I have stepped in too much and too many times to prevent further escalation of tension which may lead to abuse and prevention of casualty which may lead to hospitalisation. I think I shall not go on. I have not talked about this topic online and offline to anyone. It's just a glimpse of the nightmarish backdrop of my life. It's improving yet it's deteriorating. All in all, if not for God's grace, I won't be where I am now.

May tomorrow fly fast and great.

Happy 1st Anniversary

BP: Anniversary

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Tomorrow marks the 365th day of my residency in SAF having being coerced under the national law to enlist on 4th February last year. I shall take this time to reflect on this arduous yet meaningful journey even as I embrace its second year ahead.

I had no idea what to expect from NS when I booked in for the first time to a remote island that fateful Tuesday morning. Little did I see my hair shaved and discarded mercilessly before me then I realised a new journey has begun. I vividly recalled that I wasn't happy nor sad that day maybe because I found it pointless to waste my time doing nothing productive at home and it's good to explore something new.

Reading through my blog posts written during the days of BMT and SCS Foundation Term earlier on reminds me of how much I have grown as well as how some values and character still configure me today. Those few months were indeed an excellent platform for me to identify my strengths and weaknesses as a soldier and a person. It creates indispensable bond between some people and me from the experience we've been through. Quoting myself from that period of tribulations, I don't deny the fact that in army I can get to meet all kinds of people and that includes me meeting my true self. I often found myself caught up in the relational aspects of life, admitting to the fact that my personality tends to clash with many and thus, learned to actualise the principle of "birds of different feathers can flock together" through various ways. Frankly speaking, I am still learning hard to deal amicably and maturely with this setback.

That season of hardship also turned out to be a rewarding me one as my fitness improved significantly. From someone who can't even do a single diamond push up in BMT, I surprised myself by doing five hundreds normal push ups with my current platoon one night. My fitness had been compromised greatly since secondary school as I joined band as a rather sedentary CCA. Remembering the first few weeks of BMT where frequent physical training sessions really took a heavy toll on me, it's also a blow to my confidence and hope to thrive in army. I am glad to have carried that tinge of optimism and spirit of excellence to improve my fitness that period, treating every session as a means to do so. Keeping fit should be a consistent effort and I hope this belief will enable me to have some initiative for some individual work out especially in this monotonous period which consists of mainly administrative work.

Also, my blog posts fondly yet shamelessly mock me for desperately yearning to sign on with the SPF that time. This irreversible mistake caused not just considerably tremendous financial cost but also emotional turmoils in me. It drastically altered the conventional route I was supposed to embark in army, landing me in an unfamiliar place of varying culture. In between BMT and Foundation Term, I had the opportunity to stay out for two months doing clerical work. Nonetheless, I believe that everything happens for a greater Purpose. That seemingly foolish move may have caused me a circuitous detour in life bombarded with several opportunity costs, in retrospect, it's actually a blessing in disguise in most aspects. I wouldn't have known the people who really matter to me before then if not for their omnipresent encouragement and advice after that incident. I wouldn't have gotten a prestigious university placing if not for the bountiful amount of time bestowed to me in that lull period before Foundation Term started for me to attend all the interviews. I wouldn't have been in this current exclusive vocation as a Sniper if not for that crises. There are many things that I can be thankful about.

Above all, I still stand true to my conviction that NS is a splendid platform for me to encounter the greatness and love of God. As mentioned before, it's indeed real that NS either draws me nearer to Him or drifts me away further from Him. I have undergone many instances where He came true for me in both big and small ways. He delivered me in all circumstances and I can be safe and secure in His arms. Thank You Jesus for Your blessing and guidance although many a times i accused You of leaving me abandoned based on how I feel. Faith is a not feeling but a lifestyle expressed through the actions and speech I abide to. 

All in all, while army hasn't been a smooth-sailing voyage for me, in hindsight it's a really meaningful one to discover and strengthen self-identity while maturing and learning to deal better with the challenges life engenders. The upcoming final te. months are undoubtedly more challenging as before with more responsibilities and exercises drawing in. I wish for myself to use this remaining time for meaningful work to gain something that will impact me positively not only transiently but permanently. Happy 1st Anniversary!

2109

Revival

Week 5

020215; 2204

Currently typing this while doing my duty. When I found out yesterday night that I am actually going to serve two duties this week, my mood was a little dampened. Yet thank God that the day passed fast. Did several meaningful tasks today such as visiting the dentist for my severe tooth decay to be filled, had mui fan for lunch which was quite good, did some finance management and was aghast at the fact that my data this month has already exploded exceedingly, and also spent the rest of the evening revising maths diligently. The latter was actually quite enjoyable and I am glad to be able to solve most questions. I guess it's not just about killing away my boredom but also trying to resuscitate my ailing brain as a result of too much army stuff. A new batch of people came in for a two weeks course today and I managed to speak to a few of them pleasantly with two familiar people.

Looking at the schedule for tomorrow, I feel somewhat indignant that there are so many tedious things to be done tomorrow and nothing was done today. My inability to sustain a consistent gold for my previous IPPT also rendered me missing quite a few good opportunities. I heard there's gonna be a test, be it trial or real, this week and whoever fail to obtain a gold will be confined for remedial training since we can't meet our OC's expectation. I have never done RT since BMT and I wish that would never happen to me.

Meaning means?

010215; Meaning means?

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On the way to camp now. I guess it's better to blog during my journey there instead of at home since it's more time efficient this way. Nonetheless, that would probably give me limited time to share.

This week has been horrendous in a way. After a tedious and somewhat worrisome navigation exercise on Friday morning, I couldn't wait to just leave the camp. Why not talk about the weekends first? When I booked out, I met A&M with Fiona at NEX for a meal and meet up. Didn't go for NET rally due to this and I wonder if I made a practically right decision. While I had fun spending time with them, I was guilted that I didn't attend the session although I could. We had Pizza Hut and I finally used the complimentary voucher that SAF gave me for my enlistment. It's a pretty worthwhile meal and there were several embarrassing yet hilarious moments. When we left, I met Alson coincidentally at the bus stop. We had a mini catch up and my Friday night ended pretty fine.

I wasted my Saturday morning sleeping away peacefully and undisturbed. It's a good rest although time was somewhat wasted. I have come to a point that I wouldn't really mind if I slept my morning away this way although at times I feel that I can do much better instead of being a pig. Saturday hasn't been more mundane than before. I woolgathered at home throughout and did nothing really productive. I also missed Edge.

I overslept for Sunday service and missed my church activity again. I woke up before noon and tried to organise something for the day. I eventually decided to wash up and venture to explore the legendary banmian at Lorong 32 that everyone is complimenting. I made my way there within 30 minutes and there was a long invisible queue due to the stall not having self-service. I waited for about 10 minutes for my order to arrive. Upon noticing from the sign that this banmian stall had a branch at Tampines 1 food court, I didn't raise my expectations too high since the latter gave me the worst banmian experience two years ago. I wonder if the stall changed though. At my first glance, I thought it somewhat resembled #tpybanmian. Unfortunately my first mouthful of it was a disappointment due to its tastelessness. While the food portion was alright, I could hardly savour the fragrance of the soup. The noodle was also not as chewy as anticipated. I could go on but I guess I am not in the mood to make gastronomical reviews currently lol. What surprised me the most was the fact that it's the only stall in the coffee shop. It's considerably packed too. I guess everyone just has a different taste.

Thereafter, a series of unfortunate ensued after me. First, my ezlink card ran out of credit and I had to pay a relatively exorbitant price of $1.30 for a short 5 minutes bus trip. The attitude of the bus driver disdained me too. Second, I kinda made a fool out of myself when I decided to buy KOI at Paya Lebar station. I queued at the collection point instead and asked the pinoy lady behind if she's queuing since there's a gap and she told me rudely that I should queue at the cashier instead. That's when I realised I mistook the respective queues. The entire scene made me look as though that's my Virgin attempt in buying KOI. I should have been more careful though. Third, after exploring the newly opened PL square mall which was plainly boring, I suddenly got told off by the station manager to not drink when I casually took a sip of my KOI while topping up my card at the machine. Thankfully she didn't charge me. I then realised that the rule prohibiting drinking and eating is removed when I alighted at Kallang. I wonder if this applies to the entire station or what.

I reached home at around 2PM only to find myself on my bed again mingling with my phone. My attempt in napping failed and I played my comp until the evening. I was so confused on what needed to be done actually and I think whatever unproductive yet pleasurable things I have done are to help me escape from the more important tasks like researching on a suitable course as such. Before leaving home, I had dinner made by dad and also packed my room a little. I had a desire to actually do some academic work in camp so I brought my maths lecture note in. May I have the discipline to at least attempt...

In sum, I think I have been rather unfaithful to God this weekend to my dismay. I should have been more disciplined in my actions, words and thoughts. Admittedly, there's an unexplainable void in me recently and it's not easy to deal with it. I feel that something pressing has to be done yet I don't know if I am confronting it already or not. I pray that I'll not let my body takes over the spirit that easily.

So what's up during the weekdays? It actually started really good I promise. Yet the climate deteriorated exponentially by days. I am definitely a and the problem. Yet I can't be apportioned all the blames. If only I can be more tolerant and loving or you can be more sensible and mature. I thought I have reached my limit yet I can't find the ability and courage to stand up for my beliefs and dignity. I asked God why am I always put in such difficult situation with no escape routes, yet I didn't really get an answer. It seems like I can only wait to suffer to end and suffer to wait for miracles.

May this coming week be better. Although I have a premonition.

2117

Words

290115; 2121

Words 

Today didn't go well in every way. The days this week seem to be progressively more and more despondent as series of unfortunate events keep coming my way. After a morning run as the only person in PT kit while the rest were in long four and PT shoes, there's a short break and I tried to take a break. It's a pretty disrupted for mainly environmental reasons. Actually that morning when my Sir suddenly tried to wake one of us up to open the door so that he could have a map, I'm the only one who got woken up despite sleeping at the further end of the room. Together with what happened later before noon, it's a confirmation that I am definitely a really light sleeper.

Before noon, I was actually fetched by my sergeant major to a building near the gate to sign some forms to get reimbursed for overpaying the fine I made last year for losing stuff. It's a small amount but it's a big and tedious effort in the administrative work. My encik left halfway as he was rushing for time and I had to walk back on my own. For the entire afternoon then, my platoon then travelled non-stop on a tonner to deliver various equipment to PLC then to Hendon Camp for our Taiwan trip. It's literally travelling from an end to another end of Singapore. I was supposed to meet Luke up at PLC for lunch but there's an impromptu decision to just pack the food away. In the end we had lunch while travelling time. I managed to catch an episode of a random channel 8 educational show on shopping etiquettes.

Apart from the fact that things cropped up in some ways and my hands are still in great pain since the hundred pull-ups days ago, I'm not sure if I am really exhausted or just sad. Me being lethargic can be explained by the hectic schedule today. I guess my disappointment with a tinge of annoyance is probably due to the same old reason of having my weaknesses being mocked at and taken advantage of. Same old treatment by the same old ones. I have always kept quiet even when deep down I was enraged and sick of being made a mockery, be it in a joking or serious manner. Words are powerful weapons which I am really vulnerable to. Keeping silent doesn't mean I am not affected by it or I have no guts to stand up for myself. Ever felt like it's only you against the world? The latter usually wins so it's pointless to raise it up even in an amicable way. Some behaviours I believe are just inherent and people just can't do without. If it's in their nature to spite, things can only be improved in the short term perhaps.

After watching The 5 Search on my phone just now, I totally empathised with one contestant whom the judges openly criticised his wavering grasp of the English language in terms of pronunciation and articulation. He comes from a mandarin-speaking family just like my background too. I honestly admit that the way I speak makes English sound awkward and I'm glad that some people accept it and don't judge me for it. The more critical ones naturally equate my English standard to the way I speak. What I don't find it encouraging is the fact that some actually imitate the way I speak in a form of mockery so as to gain fun and laughter out of it. Once or twice is enough but an incessant one is really troubling and saddening. At times I may joke along and even laugh at my own mistake but that doesn't mean I am always fine with it. It reminds me of how much I have lacked as compared to others.

I can go on. Sharing this lightens my emotional burden though. I only hope for one thing - either people can be more accommodating or I can have greater patience and love for each other.

2150

Hurt-dles

BP: Hurt-dles

"Don't join them. Join us as we'll protect you!"

"Why do I need protection against something harmless?"

"No you don't understand..." Blah cube.

Felt a little uncomfortable when I'm told not to socialise with a group of people who really share the interests as me, or least are friendly enough to chat with. Not sure why do people love to implant thorns of sarcasm in their tone every time. If there's nothing better or constructive to say, I think it's best to just restrain your speech. While it may boost your ego that the other party has no great counter to your remarks, it doesn't pay much to just stop spiting others be it in a subtle manner or not. Louder doesn't mean righter.

Days of contrast

Week 4:

270115 2036

260115-270115; Days of contrast

Currently on the bed now typing this after a pretty chaotic and unfortunate day. I shall share about yesterday before talking about today. 

Yesterday was way more awesome than expected. Started the morning with a 3KM run and that made me realised how bad my stamina was once again. Glad that I completed it well though. I then had rifle cleaning in the afternoon when my CI suddenly called my platoon up to do an impromptu pyramid exercise with the pull up. We started from 1 together and did 2 for another set and onwards in sequence until 10 before counting down. It ended with 50 push ups. While he tried to convince us that it's a tekan session, it's quite high in intensity. Still, I had fun laughing while supporting each other. He was trying to imbibe the value of adaptability and interchangeability in us. Before he left, he gave us a surprise which was a nights out for that night. I was elated but wasn't really in the mood to go out. Everything thereafter just cropped up and I ordered McDonald's in instead. Have not felt so unhealthy until that night as I even had a pack of instant noodle before the delivery.

It's a crazy night spent in bunk with the platoon. Haven't had so much fun and sincere laughter for quite awhile here lol. Oh ya. The highlight of the day is the fact that some guys of the same batch from another platoon actually joined me in my bunk catching up with our clarinet skills through some random sight reading of the scores I have with me. How often can you actually play such musical instrument in an active unit in camp?! Love the vibes.

Today was an exact opposite of what happened yesterday in terms of mood. The morning was a little messed up in schedule. Went to the gym in the morning and then chillax in the eatery down there with the platoon. Had Hokkien Mee which was surprisingly good but the tehbeng there was the worst I ever had. In the afternoon, everyone in my unit gathered in a room for our monthly movie session - something new to my platoon at least. We were supposed to watch American Sniper but something cropped up and another American film was shown instead. Things didn't turn out well after the 90 minutes of showing. I shan't describe in detail what happened but there was a draggy inspection of our mobile phones in parade form under the blazing sun for an hour. A joyous occasion went absurdly wrong. Nobody expected things to turn out this way though. Yet it can be prevented if the spirit was stronger than the body then. I will certainly not let similar situations of the same kind happen to me again. It's now a severe situation that dampens the unit's morale. I hope things will improve.

Something that really bothers me recently was really how some just blatantly crossed the borders with deliberation, causing certain unhappiness and discomfort among us. It's inevitable that we live in the same environment but the ecosystem is somewhat disrupted now and its equilibrium shaken. If no further action is made to solve this imbalance, things are going to be taken for granted into a greater extent and it's going to be more chaotic than now. By then, it may be a little too late. I'm so glad I don't have to embrace that that directly although there are downsides to it too. 

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Woots

Awesome day spent in camp today.

Weeek

BP: Week 3

210115

I don't know why am I so desperate to help. Fear of opinions once again or just to make up for the inconvenience caused eons ago? 

(continued); 250115 2055

Currently waiting for my train to book in. This week has been a really really lepak week apart from Tuesday or Wednesday when we did some PT in the morning. Couldn't remember exactly which day is it and this just shows how bad my memory is. The PT session made me realised how much I need to train up to maintain my past fitness. I had severe headache after the work up as I guess I didn't exercise consistently for long.

During Wednesday's nights out, I met Luke up at JEM and had dinner at Mado while chatting. Traipsed around the mall for awhile and bought some grocery and KOI together before heading to book in around 9. 

On Thursday and Friday, half of my platoon proceeded with their range firing while the other half stayed in bunk. I'm with the latter. On both days, I literally lied on my bed using my phone and watching You Can Be Angels Too on it. It's a pretty interesting show. Friday was a little more busy than Thursday as i reported sick in the late morning. Somewhat got blasted by the MO for not reporting at the right timing, causing me to irrationally (??) fear that he might lodge a complaint to my superior which I hope will not happen. 

I went to see the doctor for my itchy and scaly skin condition. After seeing my leg and back, he was quite aghast and paranoid lol. He even took the initiative specially to open the door for me to exit. He claimed that it's quite extensive - my fungi infection. It sounds disgusting when I mention the f word here but actually, it feels normal to me lol. Eventually I was given 9 days excuse from wearing uniform and boots. Initially he wanted to give me excuse for months one but I kinda agitatedly rejected as I have training and overseas trip. So chaogeng hor.

In the afternoon, we were suddenly ordered to clean some rifles that we never fired before. It's okay. Then in the end before we booked out in the evening, we were told that the armourer was not happy with the condition of the cleaned rifles, causing us to do another round of cleaning the upcoming Monday. Book out timing was at 6pm sharp when the rest of the platoon returned. Had dinner with JT, MQ and Ivan at McDonald's before I headed for NET. The night wasn't really productive. Slept late as I downloaded some videos.

Started Saturday booking in in the unearthly hour of dawn as I dragged my feet down to camp. Felt good doing duty in admin attire anyway. Spent the entire day watching videos and tidying the duty room up. I actually enjoyed doing it...organising things into their rightful places. Slept later than expected before Ivan took over the next morning.

Felt really sleepy even after I handed over duty. I napped for awhile in bunk before making myself breakfast. Unfortunately, the hot water tap stopped working and I just left the camp munching only one slice of bread I bought from nights out. Then I planned to have my breakfast asap at Toastbox and found out that there was actually a long queue, leaving no choice but to take away one OCK chicken wing. Headed to TPY for Sunday service thereafter. On time.

Sermon was on open doors again. Stay. Fear not. And...I forgot the last part. I really need to be more attentive in the service and stop being too distracted lol. Lesson ended quickly after service and I actually enjoyed it. Lunch with the region was a little disorganised but still...I got to have my favourite #tpybanmian. Initially I planned to swim after lunch but the ominous weather changed my mind. Bought some sushi and koi and remembered to shop for my dad's birthday present. He turned 54 last week yet I blatantly forgot until I asked Melwin to help me wish his dad happy birthday. Not sure if it's forgetful or unfilial lol. I chanced upon a shop selling watched and caught my eyes into some metal classic ones which I thought really suited him. Bought it at a reasonable price, sharing the cost with my sister...unevenly for various reasons I allow lol.

The time spent at home was really wasted as nothing meaningful was done. Had QT and dinner and downloaded some clips randomly before heading out. 

In sum, this week albeit is a physically relaxed week, it's actually emotionally draining in some ways. I wish I will have the discipline and mood to discuss this next time soon. This coming week is gonna be more hectic as I finally gonna go outfield soon along with other tedious work to be done. I also feel that I have changed my prospectives and attitude towards some things in life, such as friendship and relationship. Once again, may time and mood permit me to share this next time!

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Help

I don't know why am I so desperate to help. Fear of opinions once again or just to make up for the inconvenience caused eons ago? 

Anyway, it's a great dinner at Mado with Luke for my nights out before both of us booked in. The more doesn't the merrier always.

Bleh

BP: Week 2

120115; long

Today was a really chill day. Travelled to PLC for photo taking in the morning before having lunch at Carls' JR with the platoon. Did some leisure stuff thereafter before returning to camp. Was glad that my emulator started working again after some updates. I then spent the entire afternoon and night completing my favourite game Megaman Battle Network Cybeast Falzer hahah. Love it.

Couldn't really bother some of actions and words bombarded to me casually and jokingly. Glad that I am more open and less sensitive. 

I have a feeling that tomorrow may not be as relaxed as the schedule shows. Time to lights off. Nights.

2305

Eventful

Page 1; 04-11012015

Currently on the train to book in. I think I should admit that I have been super lazy to blog. In camp, I thought to myself that I will spend time at home to do it using my com but it's always easier said than done.. I guess one other reason is due to my mentality that the inscrutable lag my com has makes it rather hard to blog.Still, I shall take some time now to share about this week. 

After a reasonably long break from army before the new year commenced, I finally booked in last Sunday morning to serve my extra duty before the rest of my platoon came later on at night.

Didn't have a good rest before the first week of 2015 began as I probably messed up my body clock days before. I thanked God that I was suddenly informed by my encik that I need not participate with the rest in the morning speed training. As such, I rested in bunk, feeling somewhat unsettled for some reasons though. For the rest of the day, I spent in on preparing my field pack for our ops manning. It's so tedious. I had to buy new items and ensure everything looked brand new and tidy. At night after dinner and RO, my unit conducted a force preparation. It's two draggy hours long and I can attest to the fact that it's the first time after so long since BMT that force preparation turned out this long. My encik actually went to each individual to inspect his items and layout until the last person of the unit was checked. How ironic that he expected the drills to be quick yet the inspection took up majority of the time extensively.

Tuesday was rather lepak as we spent the morning doing gym. Did nothing much productive and as usual, I still couldn't use the equipment productively and correctly. Lack of guidance. The only gyms that I probably frequented the most then were the ones in Pokemon as I spent my Sunday completing Fire Red. Lack of guidance and motivation. I can't remember what we did for the rest of the day.

Was so relieved that Wednesday SOC in the morning wasn't for the platoon. I casually remarked that I would rather have out field than SOC. While it may be out of impulse, it still underlies the reluctance in me to embrace SOC due to the height elements which I dread the most. I know I can't escape it forever but at least I need not do it earlier. Hahah. Then there's a draggy talk by my encik on Regimentation & Discipline which took up half of the afternoon. Amused that even without his prepared slides, he could go on for hours. The self-introduction session thereafter was somewhat great though.

Didn't sleep well. Yet the team building lecture which stretched across Thursday morning with the entire camp commanders kept me awake and entertained. The speaker known as Jeffrey Goh was quite witty. Casual look up on him in the NET revealed that he also did write several Christian related articles which I have saved and not read yet. Soon. Enjoyed the session. In the afternoon, there's a mediation session involving me. Hahah I hope both parties are sincere. Then we booked out at night amid the heavy downpour. Thank God there's a sudden bus available for us to bring everyone to the gate!

Friday morning kicked off with a prawning session for the cohesion event organised by my training institute. All superiors were there and I arrived early. Took some shots of the scenery there. Thereafter, I spent nearly 3 hours sitting at the same spot and doing the same stance in hope that the prawns were on bait. I managed to catch around 8 in the end. Overall, it's a great eye opener for me to prawning and realise that prawns actually have claws. Lol. Slow. Have been eating them all along yet I'm clueless about how they really looked. They actually BBQ the prawns afterwards. At first, I was reluctant in tasting cos' the entire episode felt so morbid. Still, I took some courage to try it. It's rather good hahah. The session ended with an impromptu pool game with my OC and my platoon. Was totally thrashed by him. It's an awesome morning.

Bought KOI from NEX before returning home. I suddenly recalled that there's band practice in the afternoon. After some lazing around at home doing nothing productive, I headed to SR to visit the band. All I could see was unfamiliar faces. Still, I was surprised to be greeted by two juniors who are still there. And also spoken to Mr Yang while meeting him as he was leaving the campus. While it's a mere one hour, I felt satisfied playing the clarinet again. Caught up with sir and Miss R for awhile too. Grateful that they allowed me to borrow a clarinet home hahah. Really missed the school and people. 

The trip back to NET was a chore as I had to carry my bag drenched in KOI together with my stand and nettlesome case lol. I waited for the rest below Qianhui's block to surprise Joycelyn together. Played with the cats there and got scratched by one of them out of a sudden. Unscathed though but I was super unhappy with him as I have not been scratched since 7 years old? Now I know which cats to be more weary of heheh. When more people arrived, we did a foolish yet hilarious move by greeting an uncle whom we thought was the dad of some of us there. The surprise was successfully and net was awesome as usual. There's finally a full net attendance! Good start to 2015.

Bickering welcomed Saturday yet I thank God things got better afterwards. I woke up early around 830 to get myself prepared to meet Michael & Luke at M's house. I don't usually wake up at such unearthly hour on a Saturday for a gathering but I also don't wanna waste my morning sleeping away. It's a great morning with the group as we had Ya Kun for breakfast before heading to M's place for some music making and a swim. The latter was quite impromptu but worthwhile hahah. Luke and I then had ramen for lunch and I regretted topping up lol. Did something for a nearby SG50 campaign at ION which got us printed copies of the sketches we made on ourselves for the event. We then visited the sky park which was spectacular. Departed around 430 and I was feeling so sleepy. 

Headed to Edge at Tampines after that and was slightly late. Sermon was on Arise and the altar call encouraged me that I can rise up to conquer the things of the world. Met Melwin for dinner after that before reaching home. Sad that GBA4IOS couldn't work when I wanna continue my favourite megaman hais. X

Overslept for Sunday service and had lunch at home before slacking the afternoon away. Played some audi then my clarinet before sorting out some of the worksheets I did in secondary 1 & 2?! Quite shocked that they are still at home. Found some funny essays I wrote too. Had QT and watched a short special pokemon movie on Mystery Dungeon before packing up to book in. Bought some items from ntuc too. 

So..right now after an hour of typing, I just bought myself McDonald's for dinner and now walking in to my camp. Overall, this week has been a rather smooth sailing one. Better than expected. Thank God that relationship has improved and greater understanding is built. Oh yes, I forgot to mention that I am going Taiwan this March after opting out when there're limited slots. Will talk about this again.

...and I'll try my best to write a post on my resolution on 2015 and reflection on 2014 too. Too lazy. I guess it's already obvious what I need to improve on after writing this..

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