Listening Ears

BP: Listening Ears

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Tonight was an infuriating night. I was thrown in a pandemonium of angry emotions over a seemingly small incident which I regarded as an otherwise grave one when looked from another angle. I went for a run to vent my frustrations as a result. Initially, I rejected X's kind gesture in asking me if I wanted him to accompany me as always. Eventually, I invited him along and we ran at our own pace, ending with a quick impromptu sprint at the end. That sprint really relieved my accumulated emotional stress a lot, unexpectedly.

Thereafter, I initiated to walk the place we ran another round to cool down. It was more than that. I saw it coming since I wouldn't mind a running companion on that vengeful night. I began to share with him how I felt during the incident that happened prior to our run whilst exchanging opinions on what really happened and what could be prevented. I admit that I shouldn't have worn that set of demanding demeanour in giving suggestions on how our new bunks should look like. Yet the things that happened before and after that really flustered me a little, and finally exacerbated by someone's untimely interference that made the volcano erupted in me. Sometimes I feel that I really should stay low and passive instead of being so active and involved as the latter would usually more or less engender more problems for me. The highlight of the night would probably be the confession of my family status since young till now as I seldom talked about this to anyone, even the closer ones. It's like the dark side of the moon in my life where only the moon knows its own secrets. I just found it rather comfortable and timely to reveal my genuine family background and it's no surprise that it came as a surprise to him. At least through this interaction I have managed to relieve the burden in me as it's not easy to hide a nettlesome secret for long. It has been a sentimental night but a great one in an unique manner. I guess a right atmosphere with a right setting  does help to open up oneself to another trustworthy person. Even if the information do leak out, it doesn't matter for it shall come to light eventually whatever its outcome is. Nonetheless, I trust my instinct and judgement. 

Reflecting upon tonight's sharing, a question overwhelms my mind - have I been strong after so much turmoils or should I be stronger to embrace the ultimate climax for life isn't getting easier? Having made to this stage in life in such unconventional manner as contrary to some who came from similar background as me would do so, I believe I have come a long way but it's still less than halfway through my destination. I pray that I'll be used for greater things even as I long to seek after His great will and plan for my inscrutable life. I shall turn in soon to prepare for a long day of rehearsals tomorrow. 

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A Level of Doubt

BP: A Level of Doubt

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A Level of Doubt

Typing this post on my bed now on a lazy afternoon after weeks of procrastination. I think I should admit that I'm actually quite lazy to write an entry over the past few weeks although I have a desire to do so. It's time to maximise my time more productively yet it's always easier said than done lol. Anyway, I shall dedicate this entry to my most recent academic achievement since its first year anniversary almost exactly a year ago.

Today, my juniors collected their results after completing their national exams few months ago. They just received their results two hours ago. I was actually kinda anxious for them although I was not the candidate involved today. It's almost the same sentiments and anticipation towards my fellow schoolmates in the same year that time. There was a myriad of emotions sweeping around in that tense atmosphere whilst the judgement was cast in forms of those paper thin yet future thick slips of results. On one hand, it's relieving and joyous to witness friends or even strangers excelling well and having their expectations met or even exceeded after undergoing through years of arduous hardwork. On the other hand, it's also poignant to empathise with those who have not done as well as how they wished to do, not making to the passing mark of securing an University place and letting their years of determination down the drain in such a truthfully wrecking instance.

Yet whatever the outcome is, the only right way to advance is forward. There's no point in relishing in splendid results for those who do well as it's only ephemeral, and dwelling in devastating results for those who don't do well as it's not the end. That applies to me as well. I am fortunate to have done pretty well in that crucial examination. But not all good things are always accompanied by solely good prospects as they are continually bombarded and eventually neutralised to null by bad intangible things. The past one year ever since the judgement day has its fair share of complements and criticisms with the latter being rather more overwhelming if you have not known. 

Skepticisms spawned every now and then, doubting my true ability to clinch that results. Experiences relating to people relations also tried to convince me that I may not be worthy of what I achieved, merely because I cannot express myself well enough. Honestly if you ask me how do I really obtain that distinction for GP, I will say that I'm not expecting it but I know my efforts have paid off well and God has blessed me more than what I foresaw. I always struggle with the opinions people have of me regarding my command of the English language. Admittedly, I do not speak eloquently, I stutter many a times, and I do not write well. I feel that I have many rooms for improvement and I always strive to upgrade myself in this aspect. Yet it's one thing to doubt my ability to ace that challenging subject and another thing to put me down to push yourself up in the process of commenting, be it causal or serious. Unfortunately but frankly, army has shown me that results really ain't indicative of your performance in life. So don't be disheartened if you do not do as well as you wanted. Sometimes I believe that my set of results is just a God-bestowed ticket to study in Uni without further burdening my already crippling family financial status. Of course, it's also a great testimony of His greatness and goodness.

Currently I'm actually quite anxious about my undergraduate life. I mentioned why posts ago. I hope I am not sending myself down to 4.5 years of inescapable hell if I am determined to go for it. Am I really that capable? Lol. Not much time is left before a final decision is made. 

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