Listening Ears

BP: Listening Ears

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Tonight was an infuriating night. I was thrown in a pandemonium of angry emotions over a seemingly small incident which I regarded as an otherwise grave one when looked from another angle. I went for a run to vent my frustrations as a result. Initially, I rejected X's kind gesture in asking me if I wanted him to accompany me as always. Eventually, I invited him along and we ran at our own pace, ending with a quick impromptu sprint at the end. That sprint really relieved my accumulated emotional stress a lot, unexpectedly.

Thereafter, I initiated to walk the place we ran another round to cool down. It was more than that. I saw it coming since I wouldn't mind a running companion on that vengeful night. I began to share with him how I felt during the incident that happened prior to our run whilst exchanging opinions on what really happened and what could be prevented. I admit that I shouldn't have worn that set of demanding demeanour in giving suggestions on how our new bunks should look like. Yet the things that happened before and after that really flustered me a little, and finally exacerbated by someone's untimely interference that made the volcano erupted in me. Sometimes I feel that I really should stay low and passive instead of being so active and involved as the latter would usually more or less engender more problems for me. The highlight of the night would probably be the confession of my family status since young till now as I seldom talked about this to anyone, even the closer ones. It's like the dark side of the moon in my life where only the moon knows its own secrets. I just found it rather comfortable and timely to reveal my genuine family background and it's no surprise that it came as a surprise to him. At least through this interaction I have managed to relieve the burden in me as it's not easy to hide a nettlesome secret for long. It has been a sentimental night but a great one in an unique manner. I guess a right atmosphere with a right setting  does help to open up oneself to another trustworthy person. Even if the information do leak out, it doesn't matter for it shall come to light eventually whatever its outcome is. Nonetheless, I trust my instinct and judgement. 

Reflecting upon tonight's sharing, a question overwhelms my mind - have I been strong after so much turmoils or should I be stronger to embrace the ultimate climax for life isn't getting easier? Having made to this stage in life in such unconventional manner as contrary to some who came from similar background as me would do so, I believe I have come a long way but it's still less than halfway through my destination. I pray that I'll be used for greater things even as I long to seek after His great will and plan for my inscrutable life. I shall turn in soon to prepare for a long day of rehearsals tomorrow. 

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A Level of Doubt

BP: A Level of Doubt

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A Level of Doubt

Typing this post on my bed now on a lazy afternoon after weeks of procrastination. I think I should admit that I'm actually quite lazy to write an entry over the past few weeks although I have a desire to do so. It's time to maximise my time more productively yet it's always easier said than done lol. Anyway, I shall dedicate this entry to my most recent academic achievement since its first year anniversary almost exactly a year ago.

Today, my juniors collected their results after completing their national exams few months ago. They just received their results two hours ago. I was actually kinda anxious for them although I was not the candidate involved today. It's almost the same sentiments and anticipation towards my fellow schoolmates in the same year that time. There was a myriad of emotions sweeping around in that tense atmosphere whilst the judgement was cast in forms of those paper thin yet future thick slips of results. On one hand, it's relieving and joyous to witness friends or even strangers excelling well and having their expectations met or even exceeded after undergoing through years of arduous hardwork. On the other hand, it's also poignant to empathise with those who have not done as well as how they wished to do, not making to the passing mark of securing an University place and letting their years of determination down the drain in such a truthfully wrecking instance.

Yet whatever the outcome is, the only right way to advance is forward. There's no point in relishing in splendid results for those who do well as it's only ephemeral, and dwelling in devastating results for those who don't do well as it's not the end. That applies to me as well. I am fortunate to have done pretty well in that crucial examination. But not all good things are always accompanied by solely good prospects as they are continually bombarded and eventually neutralised to null by bad intangible things. The past one year ever since the judgement day has its fair share of complements and criticisms with the latter being rather more overwhelming if you have not known. 

Skepticisms spawned every now and then, doubting my true ability to clinch that results. Experiences relating to people relations also tried to convince me that I may not be worthy of what I achieved, merely because I cannot express myself well enough. Honestly if you ask me how do I really obtain that distinction for GP, I will say that I'm not expecting it but I know my efforts have paid off well and God has blessed me more than what I foresaw. I always struggle with the opinions people have of me regarding my command of the English language. Admittedly, I do not speak eloquently, I stutter many a times, and I do not write well. I feel that I have many rooms for improvement and I always strive to upgrade myself in this aspect. Yet it's one thing to doubt my ability to ace that challenging subject and another thing to put me down to push yourself up in the process of commenting, be it causal or serious. Unfortunately but frankly, army has shown me that results really ain't indicative of your performance in life. So don't be disheartened if you do not do as well as you wanted. Sometimes I believe that my set of results is just a God-bestowed ticket to study in Uni without further burdening my already crippling family financial status. Of course, it's also a great testimony of His greatness and goodness.

Currently I'm actually quite anxious about my undergraduate life. I mentioned why posts ago. I hope I am not sending myself down to 4.5 years of inescapable hell if I am determined to go for it. Am I really that capable? Lol. Not much time is left before a final decision is made. 

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Resist

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On the way to camp now at such a relatively late time. Shall take this time to share about last Friday and the weekends.

Friday was great I suppose. Due to the downpour in the morning, our physical training or really just games was cancelled. I slept quite early the previous night so I didn't sleep well in the morning. I felt much better then after being inflicted with sore throat and discomfort for the previous few days. After lunch, instead of lazing on my bed again, I chilled with another platoon of specs. Afterwards, I took out my clarinet and played it for an hour before the book out time was released. Love the time. A few of my platoon mates and I then made an impromptu plan to visit Somerset for some CNY shopping. It's more of a window shopping and I didn't buy anything in the end. I wonder why are there so little promotions going on when the festive season is approaching. We then had dinner at EWF before the rest left, leaving WQ & me behind. The two of us then decided to roam Cineleisure in search of some nice clothes but to no avail. Actually I wanted to head home one but I think it would be more productive for me to stay as I bet I'll be doing nothing at home. In the end, we decided to head to Bugis and waited almost 20 minutes for a bus. Never expected myself to have Llao Llao after that. The experience of purchasing it was a rather dramatic and embarrassing one hahah. Went for NET thereafter.

Saturday was somewhat mundane in its own ways. Met up Xuanle for lunch at TPY. It's pretty easy to know what we had for lunch. Yups. It's my favourite #TPYbanmian which is introduced by him to me three years ago. Many impromptu plans were made since we met up. By right we were supposed to meet at Parkway to cycle. Due to the ominous clouds, I proposed the lunch at TPY and then went to have pool at AMK as suggested by him. Yet I managed to convince him to bowl at TPY instead since travelling there was a chore. On the way there, I suddenly realised I didn't have socks and then suggested to catch Imitation Game at NEX instead. Lol he was fine with it but in the end due to the inconvenience of travelling there, we headed to bowl instead. Both of us were newbies in bowling and it's the first time I managed to thrash him as he was super noob. Almost 60% of his attempts ended up in the left gutter immediately after release. The greatest surprise of the day would be meeting Alika there as he came there to train for his upcoming competition for his unit.. We joined games and I'm glad to have improved tremendously as my third visit to a bowling place. Had fun. His mum then dropped us conveniently at the TPY station before i accompanied XL to City Hall as he had a gathering there in the evening. Perambulated. Arrived home around early evening. Chilled in my living room with my dad and sister. what a night of humdrum.

Frankly speaking, I thought to have the entire Saturday to myself. That's why I didn't make it for the three plans others invited me to. I met up with XL since it's already discussed long ago that we'll meet that day. In fact, when he told me he's gonna be late for at least 45 minutes when I've arrived at the destination, I asked if he wanna meet up some time later since he's still nearby his house. Since he didn't want to head back, we met up. For whatever reasons, I just yearned to have personal time alone that day. It's not that I didn't wish to see people. Perhaps I only needed a quality time for reflection and slower pace of life to sort out my priorities in life. Have I done that so far? Not really since I'm preoccupied with other commitments then. Still, it's a great outing.

Sunday was yet another sinful Sunday as I missed service again due to oversleeping. I honestly need to overcome this complacency and bad habit. My dad bought home Lormee for me as requested for lunch and it didn't taste good. I then spent the early afternoon tidying up my room. Used around 3 hours eliminating dust and dust. Reorientated my furniture too and my room looks much cosy now. Finally, I cleaned my windows which apparently and shamefully haven't been wiped by myself thoroughly since I moved in in Secondary Three LOL. A sense of satisfaction overwhelmed me after the chores. Washed up and then met Yihui at Bugis as she invited me to join her for the newly opened Cat Museum there. Eventually we spent 2 hours there interacting with the cats and staff there and I have indeed gained more knowledge and understanding of the felines. Great self-guided tour there! We then bought KOI and had dinner at the kopitiam nearby my house. I recommended the best #drybanmian I've tried to her not because I am biased as it's based in Kallang but it's really nice. The greatest surprise of the day would be meeting my JC principal there as she dined with her family. At first I hesitated in approaching her but in the end the encounter was a balance of joy as it's a pretty small world to meet her there and also, regret as I didn't think I presented myself well LOL. I was quite touched that she actually remembered me as a graduate from band hahah. I then brought YH around the blocks for another stray cat tour for free. Like what she said, it's a great fellowship session that day! Reached home around 9PM and played Audi until almost midnight. Washed up and for unknown reasons, I did not have even a tinge of sleepiness. Watched some interesting episodes consisting of legendary Pokemon before I managed to close my eyes.

When I woke up today, I felt as though I have not slept at all. That was the weird sleepy yet awoke feeling that I abhor. Bathed and headed to URA for a NE tour organised by my institute with the breakfast I bought from the kopitiam below my block on the way there.I was the first few to arrive and actually waited for an hour before the event started. Way too early. Overall, the tour would be great if not for my bladder. Enthralled to spot my estate on the gigantic map displayed. Met puiHay there too as his unit participated too. The event ended around 11AM. Had lunch at the hawker centre there and the chicken rice wasn't really tasty. Disappointed that they didn't sell prawn noodle there.

Thereafter I was contemplating on whether should I proceed with the plan to catch American Sniper with the peeps. I felt so mentally drained due to my lack of sleep and the reviews for the movie from others weren't really bright. One more reason too. In the end, we headed there and caught the movie. Surprisingly, I really enjoyed the two hours of emotional rollercoaster. I would usually doze off for a monotonous movie of that duration but I didn't even put my eyes off the screen then. Others have differing views. I guess the film just spoke differently to various ones. Anyway, purchasing the large KOI was a sinful choice as I have been drinking koi for the past few days. I really need to mind my health better. It's around 430 when I returned home. Took a nap and was awakened by my dad and I was confused when he asked me what I wanted to eat as I thought it's already Tuesday lol. Had fish fillet meal bought from my favourite childhood western stall. Downloaded some videos to kill my boredom in camp and played Audi for awhile before doing QT. I finally left home at 945PM...which is pretty late. When I arrived at the station, I realised my ezlink card was with dad and he specially delivered it to me. I could have been more careful.

I hope this week will be manageable as far as physical exercise is concern. I feel like I am still not in a good state of health and maybe my mentality is dampened by my recent binge in junk food. I also wonder if my hands have recovered to allow me to do my chin ups well as the last time I tried it's still null. My stamina has alps deteriorated. Motivation. Spiritually wise, I believe I have been stumbled in faith as I have come to think erroneously that it's okay to miss service for that once. May I walk in greater obedience.

Humdrum

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Today was a relatively monotonous day with nothing much going on. I am really grateful that IPPT in the morning was cancelled for whatsoever reasons. I had the intention to fall out as my sickness from yesterday persisted. In the end I only fall out and watched the rest doing training in the shed. What appalled me the most was how I couldn't even do one single pull up since the hundred attempts last Monday. Why do I take so long to recover? There's no longer pain nor strain yet I felt helpless pulling myself up..

Spent the entire morning thereafter to rest until noon when I met Shane up for lunch. Had to walk down 15 minutes just for the meal. It's not an ordinary meal since today is the last day of his stay in camp before he flies off next week for his study. Had a great two hour catch up. Accompanied him to the MO in the end and met my platoon mates there before we walked back to coy line again. Did nothing much thereafter. Just felt quite uncomfortable with this sore throat that inevitably leads to other effects like headache and dizziness as usual. 

Now sharing about how I feel, I would say I am a little perplexed about the situation around me now. It just feels dilemmatic to be stuck and caught in between. Of course I hope for the best yet not everyone can forge a common understanding and empathy that easily. Such issues take time and brute force isn't the way to go about ameliorating it. How I wish I can have more wisdom and courage to be involved actively to help out. The battle is real. May things improve.

Moving on to my family...I guess things ain't going too well recently. Not sure what's in the minds of my parents individually. Can't comprehend why they always conflict in what they think and do. Yet most of the time I stand by my Dad's side as my Mom really overdoes things in a way that is overboard many a times. Divorce is often mentioned in a pique of anger and I hope it's due to impulse.. Admittedly my family is quite broken since primary 1 after that tragic incident which I shall not mention. Fights and quarrels were common most nights. Police were called in several times. Physical and emotional hurt are hurled very often to everyone involved. That's the kind of environment that I grew up in. While things are getting better as we moved our house when I'm Sec 4, some things just remain unsettled which are inevitably the sole cause of many conflicts and tension every time. I have stepped in too much and too many times to prevent further escalation of tension which may lead to abuse and prevention of casualty which may lead to hospitalisation. I think I shall not go on. I have not talked about this topic online and offline to anyone. It's just a glimpse of the nightmarish backdrop of my life. It's improving yet it's deteriorating. All in all, if not for God's grace, I won't be where I am now.

May tomorrow fly fast and great.

Happy 1st Anniversary

BP: Anniversary

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Tomorrow marks the 365th day of my residency in SAF having being coerced under the national law to enlist on 4th February last year. I shall take this time to reflect on this arduous yet meaningful journey even as I embrace its second year ahead.

I had no idea what to expect from NS when I booked in for the first time to a remote island that fateful Tuesday morning. Little did I see my hair shaved and discarded mercilessly before me then I realised a new journey has begun. I vividly recalled that I wasn't happy nor sad that day maybe because I found it pointless to waste my time doing nothing productive at home and it's good to explore something new.

Reading through my blog posts written during the days of BMT and SCS Foundation Term earlier on reminds me of how much I have grown as well as how some values and character still configure me today. Those few months were indeed an excellent platform for me to identify my strengths and weaknesses as a soldier and a person. It creates indispensable bond between some people and me from the experience we've been through. Quoting myself from that period of tribulations, I don't deny the fact that in army I can get to meet all kinds of people and that includes me meeting my true self. I often found myself caught up in the relational aspects of life, admitting to the fact that my personality tends to clash with many and thus, learned to actualise the principle of "birds of different feathers can flock together" through various ways. Frankly speaking, I am still learning hard to deal amicably and maturely with this setback.

That season of hardship also turned out to be a rewarding me one as my fitness improved significantly. From someone who can't even do a single diamond push up in BMT, I surprised myself by doing five hundreds normal push ups with my current platoon one night. My fitness had been compromised greatly since secondary school as I joined band as a rather sedentary CCA. Remembering the first few weeks of BMT where frequent physical training sessions really took a heavy toll on me, it's also a blow to my confidence and hope to thrive in army. I am glad to have carried that tinge of optimism and spirit of excellence to improve my fitness that period, treating every session as a means to do so. Keeping fit should be a consistent effort and I hope this belief will enable me to have some initiative for some individual work out especially in this monotonous period which consists of mainly administrative work.

Also, my blog posts fondly yet shamelessly mock me for desperately yearning to sign on with the SPF that time. This irreversible mistake caused not just considerably tremendous financial cost but also emotional turmoils in me. It drastically altered the conventional route I was supposed to embark in army, landing me in an unfamiliar place of varying culture. In between BMT and Foundation Term, I had the opportunity to stay out for two months doing clerical work. Nonetheless, I believe that everything happens for a greater Purpose. That seemingly foolish move may have caused me a circuitous detour in life bombarded with several opportunity costs, in retrospect, it's actually a blessing in disguise in most aspects. I wouldn't have known the people who really matter to me before then if not for their omnipresent encouragement and advice after that incident. I wouldn't have gotten a prestigious university placing if not for the bountiful amount of time bestowed to me in that lull period before Foundation Term started for me to attend all the interviews. I wouldn't have been in this current exclusive vocation as a Sniper if not for that crises. There are many things that I can be thankful about.

Above all, I still stand true to my conviction that NS is a splendid platform for me to encounter the greatness and love of God. As mentioned before, it's indeed real that NS either draws me nearer to Him or drifts me away further from Him. I have undergone many instances where He came true for me in both big and small ways. He delivered me in all circumstances and I can be safe and secure in His arms. Thank You Jesus for Your blessing and guidance although many a times i accused You of leaving me abandoned based on how I feel. Faith is a not feeling but a lifestyle expressed through the actions and speech I abide to. 

All in all, while army hasn't been a smooth-sailing voyage for me, in hindsight it's a really meaningful one to discover and strengthen self-identity while maturing and learning to deal better with the challenges life engenders. The upcoming final te. months are undoubtedly more challenging as before with more responsibilities and exercises drawing in. I wish for myself to use this remaining time for meaningful work to gain something that will impact me positively not only transiently but permanently. Happy 1st Anniversary!

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Revival

Week 5

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Currently typing this while doing my duty. When I found out yesterday night that I am actually going to serve two duties this week, my mood was a little dampened. Yet thank God that the day passed fast. Did several meaningful tasks today such as visiting the dentist for my severe tooth decay to be filled, had mui fan for lunch which was quite good, did some finance management and was aghast at the fact that my data this month has already exploded exceedingly, and also spent the rest of the evening revising maths diligently. The latter was actually quite enjoyable and I am glad to be able to solve most questions. I guess it's not just about killing away my boredom but also trying to resuscitate my ailing brain as a result of too much army stuff. A new batch of people came in for a two weeks course today and I managed to speak to a few of them pleasantly with two familiar people.

Looking at the schedule for tomorrow, I feel somewhat indignant that there are so many tedious things to be done tomorrow and nothing was done today. My inability to sustain a consistent gold for my previous IPPT also rendered me missing quite a few good opportunities. I heard there's gonna be a test, be it trial or real, this week and whoever fail to obtain a gold will be confined for remedial training since we can't meet our OC's expectation. I have never done RT since BMT and I wish that would never happen to me.

Meaning means?

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On the way to camp now. I guess it's better to blog during my journey there instead of at home since it's more time efficient this way. Nonetheless, that would probably give me limited time to share.

This week has been horrendous in a way. After a tedious and somewhat worrisome navigation exercise on Friday morning, I couldn't wait to just leave the camp. Why not talk about the weekends first? When I booked out, I met A&M with Fiona at NEX for a meal and meet up. Didn't go for NET rally due to this and I wonder if I made a practically right decision. While I had fun spending time with them, I was guilted that I didn't attend the session although I could. We had Pizza Hut and I finally used the complimentary voucher that SAF gave me for my enlistment. It's a pretty worthwhile meal and there were several embarrassing yet hilarious moments. When we left, I met Alson coincidentally at the bus stop. We had a mini catch up and my Friday night ended pretty fine.

I wasted my Saturday morning sleeping away peacefully and undisturbed. It's a good rest although time was somewhat wasted. I have come to a point that I wouldn't really mind if I slept my morning away this way although at times I feel that I can do much better instead of being a pig. Saturday hasn't been more mundane than before. I woolgathered at home throughout and did nothing really productive. I also missed Edge.

I overslept for Sunday service and missed my church activity again. I woke up before noon and tried to organise something for the day. I eventually decided to wash up and venture to explore the legendary banmian at Lorong 32 that everyone is complimenting. I made my way there within 30 minutes and there was a long invisible queue due to the stall not having self-service. I waited for about 10 minutes for my order to arrive. Upon noticing from the sign that this banmian stall had a branch at Tampines 1 food court, I didn't raise my expectations too high since the latter gave me the worst banmian experience two years ago. I wonder if the stall changed though. At my first glance, I thought it somewhat resembled #tpybanmian. Unfortunately my first mouthful of it was a disappointment due to its tastelessness. While the food portion was alright, I could hardly savour the fragrance of the soup. The noodle was also not as chewy as anticipated. I could go on but I guess I am not in the mood to make gastronomical reviews currently lol. What surprised me the most was the fact that it's the only stall in the coffee shop. It's considerably packed too. I guess everyone just has a different taste.

Thereafter, a series of unfortunate ensued after me. First, my ezlink card ran out of credit and I had to pay a relatively exorbitant price of $1.30 for a short 5 minutes bus trip. The attitude of the bus driver disdained me too. Second, I kinda made a fool out of myself when I decided to buy KOI at Paya Lebar station. I queued at the collection point instead and asked the pinoy lady behind if she's queuing since there's a gap and she told me rudely that I should queue at the cashier instead. That's when I realised I mistook the respective queues. The entire scene made me look as though that's my Virgin attempt in buying KOI. I should have been more careful though. Third, after exploring the newly opened PL square mall which was plainly boring, I suddenly got told off by the station manager to not drink when I casually took a sip of my KOI while topping up my card at the machine. Thankfully she didn't charge me. I then realised that the rule prohibiting drinking and eating is removed when I alighted at Kallang. I wonder if this applies to the entire station or what.

I reached home at around 2PM only to find myself on my bed again mingling with my phone. My attempt in napping failed and I played my comp until the evening. I was so confused on what needed to be done actually and I think whatever unproductive yet pleasurable things I have done are to help me escape from the more important tasks like researching on a suitable course as such. Before leaving home, I had dinner made by dad and also packed my room a little. I had a desire to actually do some academic work in camp so I brought my maths lecture note in. May I have the discipline to at least attempt...

In sum, I think I have been rather unfaithful to God this weekend to my dismay. I should have been more disciplined in my actions, words and thoughts. Admittedly, there's an unexplainable void in me recently and it's not easy to deal with it. I feel that something pressing has to be done yet I don't know if I am confronting it already or not. I pray that I'll not let my body takes over the spirit that easily.

So what's up during the weekdays? It actually started really good I promise. Yet the climate deteriorated exponentially by days. I am definitely a and the problem. Yet I can't be apportioned all the blames. If only I can be more tolerant and loving or you can be more sensible and mature. I thought I have reached my limit yet I can't find the ability and courage to stand up for my beliefs and dignity. I asked God why am I always put in such difficult situation with no escape routes, yet I didn't really get an answer. It seems like I can only wait to suffer to end and suffer to wait for miracles.

May this coming week be better. Although I have a premonition.

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