There are many lessons learnt in the process and I'm still learning. The experience was arduous but the moral of the various ordeals was enlightening although it's disappointing to realise how much was I lacking. There were many instances when I doubted my ability and worthiness in going through this unique course. I thought I would be better off or my platoon would be better off without me burdening them with my carelessness. That's during the end of Week 4 if I'm not wrong. It's really the pit of the pits of the course. I felt so unmotivated to strive on and leaving was the best option for me then. Amid all the emotional and relational pandemonium, Sir encouraged me to hang on and come back stronger in the end.
So have I really come back "stronger"? Having learnt more about myself and the people around me, I guess the environment is getting more encouraging now. That's intangible. For the tangible aspect, I'm glad to have overcome insurmountable hurdles, such as my marksmanship, 33KM route march with an overall estimated 35kg load, 72 hours of sleeplessness, best in knowledge (although I feel I'm just fortunate enough to get as there are some others who deserved it more than me), and other mini achievements. Whenever I felt like backing down, I reminded myself to just get through that moment as the end is nearing and it's not worth pulling out after having been through so much. Sad to say I'm my only motivator and encourager. It's getting better though and I'm glad to have sustained.
Spiritually wise, I have experienced much of God's grace and love. Week 3 especially tested my faith and trust in Him. I did not understand why did He allow such chaos to happen to His followers. I didn't feel His presence. Everything went haywire despite my incessant cries of prayers. It really felt like I'm been crushed by the weight of the world, leaving no one to turn to and surrendering to the circumstances is the only solution. Week 4 coincidentally triggered another incident of the same kind and it really beat me hard on why did I keep suffering from the same misfortunate. It was a Friday and I was immediately confined with doses of few days of extras. Yet I knew that He is the only one I could count on to bring me through the crisis. I had faith that all these were not happening for nothing; there's a greater purpose.
Weeks passed and I received my punishment for my first mishap and it was shockingly not as severe as what the guideline stated. The severity of the penalty was slashed a lot. The worst it could get me was 10 days DB or weeks of SOL. I didn't get either. I couldn't explain His goodness for me for this. Yes, I still have to bear the pain of the punishment. Yet the overall process actually builds me up in all manners. It's still surreal when I think of this trial. He works in ways I cannot see indeed. Glory to Him for everything.
There are many more things I can say but I think a rough summary here in this post suffices. I'm thankful for those who have stood beside me encouraging and advising me in these gruelling 13 weeks. The journey may seem to end but the real adventure has just begun. 370 days more to conquer.
For now, may Combined Arms Term this coming week be manageable and enjoyable! Can't wait to see familiar faces there.
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