Inadequacies

(continued from privated Part 1)...am I really ready for the three chevrons?

Since I'm already wallowing in my deficiencies, I might as well pour out whatever provoking doubts I have with myself that are triggered during NS.

1. Do I really deserve that 90 RP, or even that somewhat prestigious NUS scholarship?

There are moments when I carelessly committed mistakes where others deemed to be stupid or irrational. For example, by accidentally holding and thus blocking the rifle by the entry of the barrel when someone was checking clear for me. More ridiculous enough, even me claiming that I couldn't read things upside down casually was backlashed with others questioning my worthiness of the scholarship. This particular person crazily doubted my ability to clinch the award.

Having been through many decision making tasks, I also realised how not far-sighted I am. I am not someone who is able to make the best decisions for all. I always have dilemmas as I weigh between the pros and cons for a prolonged period. I even called myself stupid at times when I was unable to do even the simplest tasks that others find no problem doing. Scoring the best in knowledge wasn't a blessing but a curse for me as it only gave more rooms for others to criticise and suspect. When the suspicion happened, my esteem got dampened and a vicious cycle of self-inflicting thoughts ensued once again. That being said, I am totally not practical. Even for theoretical tests, I need to study and internalise with a longer than average time. Even in JC when I did better than expected for tests and exams, I was surprised and could only credit all to God's grace. I, when left  alone, was imbecile and unintelligent.

2. My English standard sucks.

I always get this remark or "constructive" feedback a lot just because I don't portray an image that is reflective or indicative of a good eloquent speaker to others. I do admit that I have problem conveying or expressing my thoughts when it comes to work most of the time. I think A to Z but I only managed to verbalise A to H and even missing out some letters in between. I just couldn't articulate myself well no matter how hard I try. My phonetics is terrible. I can't pronounce most words well. Even when I attempt to, I got mocked at.

This platoon has a penchant for teasing others, including commanders, for their mispronunciation and the same joke can sustain for days or even weeks. Until now, they sometimes still intentionally pronounced field pack as field bag with a redundant emphasis on the word bag as I first thought and mentioned it as field bag instead of pack. I remember the very instance when a bunch of them continually teased me with the phrases to really annoy me as a get back for something really trivial that I have done. I wouldn't love to use this word but I guess I have been bullied and it's always top down. 

Sometimes I wonder if my upbringing is a cause of my inability to vocalise well. I don't come from an English speaking family. It's mainly dialect. Even Mandarin isn't eloquent in my house. I associated myself with childhood friends who didn't really focus on studies. It's always about play. Only when I entered JC or bat the end of SEC 4 then I started to brush up on my English standard by reading essays and recording good phrases before O Level. From a standard of C6 to B3 in English, E to A for General Paper, it's still hard to believe that's indicative of my English standard. In this course, my write up got selected to be printed in the graduation parade brochure to represent my platoon. The use of semi bombastic words like surreptitiously somewhat triggered the platoon to rake up that word to spite me. Hard to explain. I still doubt my linguistic ability at times. I don't think I can write well too although I try to strive for proper grammar and structure.

Perhaps it's about support and power. The more people you have on your side, the more influential your words become and that concurrently draws others to you as you become the reliable decision maker. The more arguments or reasoning you lost, the less likely what you suggested next time will be accepted or even considered. It's also about your way of expression. The louder you are, the more likely others will act accordingly to your will. The more blunt or vulgar your speech is, then the more likely your ways will be granted. Who ain't provoked by profanities of volumes? Sometimes I feel that I am limited in this aspect as I do not include vulgarities in my speech or action. Of course that does not mean everyone who doesn't use it is always at the losing end. It also depends on other factors like your logic in reasoning and how affirmative you are. Yet I feel that I am too soft in my speech. Lack of confidence is a main reason perhaps, which is arisen from many rejections and dejections, rendering my inputs as unfit or worthless.

3. Not charismatic.

I don't know why do I always have conflicts or differences with almost everyone. I guess I myself am the ultimate issue but it's just hard to change my attitude because changing for the better will also clash as proven. Not two ways. I wonder if my six years as the chairman in the band have gone to a waste or just not enough for me to grow as a better leader. Or it's just not relevant here.

4. Am I suited and ready for the highly competitive and demanding course in NUS?

Having mentioned the many setbacks and limitations in me, am I really able to overcome the crazy course and Masters programme in Uni? I'm not naturally intelligent. I cannot articulate well. I cannot associate with people well enough. How would that enable me to pull through the 4.5 years? 

Actually casting those personal behavioural issues aside, I also fear that my passion for the course will run dry even before I embrace it... To be honest, I actually thought that pursuing a less competitive course in a less renown Uni will be better for me now after realising more about myself. After all, I realised I strive better in an environment that is not a topnotch one. Take my JC for example; it's a neighbourhood school yet I excelled fine. I thought of teaching as a career. Yet it would limit my career options in the future. I guess it's about time for me to contemplate well on this crises once I graduated as the next application intake is opening soon. One other question remains unsettling is also if NTU is still willing to take me in with that scholarship it once offered me..

Stop being so fickle-minded.

That's it for my 2 hours of virtual ranting. But it's worth it I guess. At least I feel better now. Confide. Gonna go back to PLC tomorrow with some cumbersome items with me. I hope I don't miss out anything. Leggo